Ultimate 100: 95 thru 91

Back up in it to win it, if by winning it I mean watching fucking grown men pretend to make a sport out of bludgeoning each other with "hammerfists" as the commentator dude has been saying a lot. There's that report that one hour of TV watching takes 22 minutes off your life. I guess that means by the end of this thing, if I complete it, I will have shaved like a third of a day off the end of my life. Suck city...
#95: SEAN SHERK vs. TYSON GRIFFIN - I remember reading about Sean Sherk somewhere, so I guess he did something notable at some point. The Tyson Griffin dude looks like he'd be part of the extended Bruce Jenner family and part of that whole Spencer/Heidi/Kardashian/Lohan Illuminati cult of reality celebrities thing that's sprung into our collective brains like idiot wildfire in the past decade. Because of that, I automatically am rooting for Sean Sherk, also because his name sounds like some sort of result of an island of Dr. Moreau style experiment. Fuck though, Sherk has worse tribal tattoos, though not much, so I guess he's going to lose. Wait, no Tyson Griffin has something huge on his right shoulder, so let me see what that is. I think it might be... yeah, it looks like some oversized gargoyle dragon thing, which is some next level tribalism tattooing, but still pretty bad. That means Sherk will win.
Sherk Dog bleeding from the nose, but dominating the dominance thus far. I wonder if there's a famous juggalo ultimate fighter yet? I wish there was. Or at least ultimate mushrooms fights at a juggalo function, preferably under black lights.
End of first round, and the old black Cut Man who looks like a more physically fit Grady from Sanford & Son is doing his thing.
Second round has Griffin getting a little cocky, waving his arms, waving in some action, but then like a minute later he's all wore out and breathing heavy. Basically, they're just punching at each other. Griffin looks slightly ethnic as well, and no ethnically non-total white dude has lost thus far in my watching, except Royce Gracie, who is outright foreigner. So being Tyson Griffin looks Americanized non-white, perhaps that trumps his bad tribalish tattoo shortcomings. We will see in this third round. This is basically a really good kickboxing match, as they've hardly gone to that guard/ground shit. Your center of the ring major sponsor is Bud Light for this match. I've meant to note that at times but always forget. HA! The announcer douchebag just said, "This is like a kickboxing bout now." I am ahead of the curve already. There's only a minute left so something crazy must happen because this shit is unnotable right about now. Like a last second knockout or something? Nope, nothing. Winner by judges decision, and Sherk wins, even though Griffin had more pizazz, everyone recognized his tattoos.
#94: DIN THOMAS vs. B.J. PENN - We have a black guy against another of those ethnically questionable dudes who look sort of Hawaiian but maybe Brazilian but maybe Latino but probably from like Toronto for whatever reason. Din Thomas - the black guy - was on one of the Ultimate Fighter shows I watched. he seemed like a likeable enough guy, at least compared to everybody else. Penn is a jiu-jitsu specialist though, which is generally considered the most honorable of fighting art styles worldwide. Being his trunks said "www.BJPENN.com" I thought I would go look at it to see if still exists. It does, and some dude Chael Sonnen, who I think is a real estate con artist and fighter, has a Facebook group set up for Brazilians who want to lynch him when he comes to Brazil later this year. Nice. And then the black dude got wobbled by a kick then eye-rolled by a punch. Game over.
#93: THIAGO ALVES vs. CHRIS LYTLE - I'm sort of starting to zone out on this shit. Think I might've hit my daily recommended intake. Alves is a Brazilian or Hawaiian or something, and Lytle looks like a skinhead. Some sort of cran-razz energy drink is the center ring sponsor for this fight. Lytle is a former firefighter the announcer just said, which means he is probably a skinhead, although his ass ad on his fighting trunks says serious pimp dotcom. I'm gonna check that out now... It exists, they have declared Snoop Dogg President, and you can buy Dogg Pound sunglasses, as well as a Bishop Don Magic Juan lime green sunglasses/bandanna combo. Looks like basically it's a sunglasses hut, but online, and for people who think they can buy their way into pimping. They have a blog too so I'm gonna read that while I don't pay attention to this fight. There's something called a "digital painting" which looks to me like somebody just shared every step of a photoshopping process, and some skinny ass Euro dude getting the serious pimp logo tatted on his arm. Yeah, that's a good move, literally branding yourself, like literally.
Oh shit, I looked up at the end of the first round horn and the skinhead firefighter dude's eye is all busted open and bloody. And on the blog it says, "Serious Pimp is Serious about Protecting its Intellectual Property Rights" and they are apparently patenting their OG Bandanna style sunglasses. Like, hell yeah, bros; shoulda done been done that. I am assuming Brazil beats Skinhead usually in ultimate fighting, but I guess I'll wait for visual verification. Man, I'm bored with this shit but I'm gonna make myself get through #91 before I quit tonight. Maybe.
Aww... they're hugging along the fence right now. It's really sweet. The Brazilian dude is doing that thing they do where he kicks you in the thigh all the time so that the skinhead guy is kinda gimpy and limping. Eventually he's just going to fall over like a tree, although we just ended the second round. But his one leg is not working as well as his other, very obviously even by his casual walk to the corner, although I guess technically an octagon doesn't have a corner.
And then suddenly and anti-climactically the ringside Dr. Nick stopped the fight during the break because of the skinhead dude's cut. It's really weird to think of these guys getting cuts from the pressure of punches squeezing flesh too suddenly that it rips. Shit wasn't even bleeding that much, so the crowd is chanting "Bullshit! Bullshit!" but they are probably skinheads too and all racist drunks who would be soccer fans if they weren't born in America.
I think in their honor hug at the end, they almost kissed. And Alves says, "It was beautiful... I was having fun... He was having fun," in a soft and sweet voice from the back alleys - pun intended - of Brazil. They are interviewing the skinhead firefighter guy now, and he sounds like a New Jersey guy with a southern accent, but from New Jersey, and he's playing up to the racist drunkard crowd.
#92: B.J. PENN vs. MATT SERRA - Serra is this little hilarious midget fighter guy who was my favorite from the Ultimate Fighters I watched when I was watching that. His involvement actually caused me to give it about half a season longer than I would've otherwise. Penn is native Hawaiian, which is always an untrustable mix of Polynesian and colonial blood, with a little mix of Hindi from Fiji probably hiding in there as well. Such a tough tribal group of peoples down in Polynesia, and now all that Fukushima radiation just fucking them. There's that one island where the sea level has noticeably raised in the past ten years already from global warming, and now they're probably getting radioactive rain. Not to mention nuclear testing and the trash swirls of the Pacific and America dumping their electronic trash out there on those islands... guys like B.J. Penn should be forming a cyborg army of island warriors to overthrow the government, not human cockfighting for the attention of a women with fake breasts. Where are our priorities?
I've paid attention to very little of this. Was this on TV all at once, like a marathon? Because I couldn't imagine just sitting around and watching this whole thing for like a whole day. There's just not enough distinguishable type of activities to make this as exciting in a full-on overload like say, NFL Films, or even retro baseball games or something. I think that's ultimately will stifle Dana White's dreams that this will be the number one sport in the world, that it's just not diverse enough in what goes on to keep people's attention. And if you really want to get skeeved out, go googling around for MMA websites and look at the people writing or commenting about this shit. Not exactly the cream of the societal crop, though they analyze things and perpetrate real sports journalism with their dumb shit.
Matt Serra is a little pit bull of a human being, and they are going to their third round. Apparently, according to the announcers, probably each dude one a round each, so this will decide things. THE NEXT FOUR MINUTES WILL DECIDE THE 92ND MOST BESTEST ULTIMATE FIGHTING FIGHT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT UP TO THE POINT THEY DID THIS LIST! I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT! I THINK I'M GOING TO GET A GLASS OF COW MILK! (We call milk "cow milk" because our youngest loved nursing, and it was always called "mama's milk" so the other shit was called cow milk. So to this day, when she wants some milk, she's like, "Daddy... can I have some cow milk?" It's really funny when we are at the store and she's all like, "Let's get some cow milk! Can we get some cow milk?" Similar to when our oldest was about three and I was teaching her about animals, and told her that humans were an animal as we were counting animals on the way home from town one day. Like three days later, we're at the soccer field for music in the park or something in Scottsville, and some little kid is hassling our daughter, and she comes over to me while I'm talking to a couple we just met and goes, "Daddy, that human girl over there is not being nice." It was awesome. I just acted nonchalant like I was from Witch Mountain.
Oh yeah, the fight... There's like a minute left and nobody has died or gotten piledrived. Matt Serra should throw a fireball at the other dude, or break him through a flaming table. But they don't. And B.J. Penn gives a very creepy, leaning in honor hug. Such honorable, questionably gay combatants. B.J. Penn wins, and the racist, drunkard crowd boos because they wanted the little white dude from New England to win.
#91: KEN SHAMROCK vs. RICH FRANKLIN - Shamrock is a delirious crazy man from the beginning of the UFC, from back in the very beginning. Rich Franklin is a newer school bad ass dude, very smart (considering he gets punched in the brain). But it's also the end of five matches, much like the Gracie/Matt Hughes fight from #96... thus I figure Rich Franklin will win this easily. Shamrock was already delirious from years of wrestling, and he's babbling about some bullshit in the pre-fight hype clips. And the announcers are hyping up how this would be, by far, the biggest win for the former high school math teacher Rich Franklin. So fixed. More of Dana White exorcising the auras of the originators. I think the real question in my mind is whether this even lasts one round. And I vaguely think I saw this on one of the Ultimate Fighter finales, because I remember those ugly ass camo shorts Rich Franklin is wearing.
Some sort of supplement is your center of the ring advertiser. I've been drinking smoothies/protein shakes lately, full of different herbs to hype me up, although I've been wanting for my goddamned eleuthero powder for like two weeks from the herb people, which used to be called Siberian ginseng, but then American ginseng of the panax variety got it so you couldn't call Siberian ginseng an actual ginseng. Shit is complicated. I've been experimenting with protein powders too, trying to avoid soy because soy is such an unhealthy protein, and the plant is the most genetically modified plant there is, and plus it's full of plant estrogen, which is why some vegetarian men are so effeminate. I also use frozen bananas, which my wife hates, but the bananas/blueberries with the herbs and yogurt and green tea and coconut oil, that shit is the goodness. Still though, I want my goddamn eleuthero to hopefully start hyping me up since I don't drink the evil coffee false stimulant anymore.
So yeah, Rich Franklin won by punching holmes out in the first round. Not a very good fight at all, more included for historical purposes it seems, though like I said, there seems to be a setting up of storylines, ending with every five matches. There's still two more fights on this first DVD, but I'm tapped out for the night, which does not mean I'm going to wear a t-shirt that looks like a retarded piece of lightning got stuck in a screenprint, but it means I'm going to go to bed. My ol' lady and oldest are at an herbal conference, and the toddler already woke up, so she's in our bed, and whenever I go lay in there with her, she cuddles up right next to me, and it makes me feel like a solid dude. For all my faults, all my failures, all my wrong turns and dead ends still to follow, the way my kids love on me, I know I'm solid. More solid than a goddamned warped focus "ultimate" fighter. Fuck you Dana White, and your scrawny assed ring girls, pretending to be sexy but looking like they got 9-year-old boy asses, while men wearing just as little pummel each other then give honor hugs. The whole thing seems like an elaborate plot to take the emotional love felt between a man and a women and pervert it. Once you do that, to the world, there's no more children like my toddler, and there's no more cuddling up with love in a big ass bed that needs a new mattress because it's hard on my back but I sleep towards the middle for the most part and who the fuck can afford a new mattress anyways? You pervert that, and we don't make little kids to be the true warriors. It's like I was saying about B.J. Penn and his islander heritage... where's your fucking priorities? There's a war for our future being fought, inside our minds, and we don't even care. This shit is massive distraction and also making dudes thinking the wrong things are warrior mentality. It's not like the decline of the Roman civilization, though I wasn't there so maybe it's exactly like that and the bad thing about the Coliseum fights and gladiators and all was not the brutality but how it was a cultural plot to desensitize the Roman people to being grounded in reality, so that they cave din on themselves. And actually when I think about it like that, I guess it's great people like the UFC, because I'd like society to cave in on itself. Fuck this world. It's a scam and a scheme and a sham and needs to be wiped clean so we can start over. Or start something else. Or whatever. I'm going to bed to cuddle with my toddler and dream apocalyptic dreams about the most wonderful and beautiful end times you could ever imagine. And when we wake up tomorrow, I'm going to go out to the chicken coop and get some eggs and make us some omelettes and tell the two young ones about this wonderful Apocalypse, and how we all have our calling, our destiny in life. And that they need to listen to their souls, go out in the yard and find their sit-spot and let the cyberwaves calm down in their mind and focus internally and let it all go quiet until they can hear themselves, deep down inside there, behind the intestinal walls, underneath the heart, and listen for their calling, because they are warriors. vikings of right in a world gone wrong.