So hey, not too excited about doing this list this week,
because politics is stupid, and also for as a man full of arbitrary rules, one
of the arbitrary rules I decided upon was to review the odds for who would win
the 2016 election every 10 weeks in advance, meaning this week – at the 90
weeks until… moment – we get to review who are the odds-on favorites to be our
next American President. And the list is fucking depressing.
Obviously, all homage owed to HST who did the gonzo
journalism/drunken politics thing at a prominent level. Unfortunately, most of
the “quirky” political pundits are not all that quirky in a true quirk sense,
but mostly just pretending to be quirky. That’s sort of the age we live in – we
pretend to be clever and everybody goes, “Oh man, how clever.” Or we pretend to
be creative, and people pretend along “Wow, what a creative genius!” It’s like
old school pro wrestling kayfabe where everybody is in on the gig, pretending
in the same silently agreed upon ways, and we all remain mostly unentertained,
held in place, and waste our whole fucking lives perpetuating bullshit.
Therein lies my problem with most of these “odds on
favorites” because NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM is an inspiring individual in any
sense of the notion. It’s mostly like a whole bunch of marketing pitches for
like Coke and Pepsi, and the assorted marketing pitches attempt to slowly prove
themselves the best marketing pitch for either major soda brand before there is
a final pair of opposing commercial campaigns which we all get to choose after,
“Which of these two sodas do you find less disgusting?” This is our American
political process at the national level at this point.
But nonetheless, this is where I live, the bullshit system I
live under, so I might as well write stupid shit about it. Usually I like to
think of writing as a cathartic process which helps me feel better, or untangle
the tangles of shitty existence as they pertain to choking up my internal
psyche. Unfortunately this Presidential project – INDECISION 2016 – won’t make
me feel better, most likely. Odds are pretty heavy against that possibility.
Speaking of odds, it is against the law for US bookmakers to
have odds for events that are decided by vote. So I had to go international,
and decided the best source was a degenerate book from Ireland that I won’t
mention by name because those fucking sites pay good money to get mentioned by
shitty blogs, and I’m not giving them free publicity. But the one I chose is
fairly infamous for having listed odds on Obama getting assassinated at one
point, amongst other fucked up possible situations, so if I’m going to be
forced to embrace this project, and I’m going to condemn the fake kayfabe
clever writer/good candidate bullshit neon hologram that is 21st century
America, then I might as well go with the most fucked-up possible bookmaker.
Plus, these people had a pretty wide set of choices. So here are the top
fourteen candidates, by odds, with 90 weeks to go. I’ll revisit these odds
every ten weeks up until the election (should I not abandon this project
entirely, which is probably more likely than most of these people even getting
on the ballot).
#1: Hillary Clinton – 11 to 10 odds to win President 2016.
Clinton has positioned herself for this ever since not getting the nomination
in 2008, by first seeming like not a loser at all by taking Secretary of State
under Obama, but then also getting out early enough so that she can distance
herself from whatever he’s done that might get the sheeple masses bahhing in
negativity. But the entire reason she came up second in 2008 fits even more so
now – that she’s too much of an insider/regular same ol’ bullshit candidate
from the political elite aka the 1% aka the lizard overlords in alliance with
the grey aliens. Obama’s wave of euphoria was not just because everybody was
like, “Oh shit, a BLACK GUY!” but also (mostly) because his entire marketing
campaign was the change thing – change, something different, no more of the
same ol’ shit. Of course, it ended up being the same ol’ shit. That’s not going
to stop someone trying to successfully campaign for President 2016 from saying
that Obama might have been too much change, and maybe we need something more
level-headed and traditional, but foreward thinking. I don’t know, you make up
the bullshit they’ll say, but ultimately it’s going to be Coke and Pepsi again,
and Clinton has worked for decades not to necessarily make herself an inspiring
and wonderful figure that will initiate a new realm of wonderful American
humanitarianism on earth, but positioning herself as the de facto main power
broker within her chosen political party, which will – once she pushes aside
other weak ass contenders like Beast Mode stiff arms – put their entire weight
and money behind her in the push to have a fucking President honor their
investors’ desires. And her being the favorite makes sense to me – mostly
because of the list of horrible choices the other flavor has right now – and I
was gonna bet a fake $100 every time I did these updates, but I’m not gonna bet
on the frontrunner to start this, because early bets are the best time to take
a shot, not back the favorite. You save that for your smart bets later in the
process.
#2: Jeb Bush – 7 to 2 odds. And having Jeb Bush be early
front-runner for Republican is a fucking joke too, because the big argument
against all these fuckers in 2008 was, “Fuck man, we’ve had either Bush or
Clinton for the past 20 years… we can’t possibly be having a free and open
oligarchy can we?” That sentiment was a huge factor in Obama’s hotshot rise. At
the time, I wondered if that wasn’t just a scapegoat process to have a fall man
in office to take the hatchet for all the fucked up things that were going to
happen on the international geopolitical stage and financially. I’d say the
right has tried to do exactly that too, but Obama’s been able to deflect that
to a certain extent from being regarded as universal truth. Of course I live
inside the filtered bubble of America, so who the fuck knows if I’m even being
fed true data? Nonetheless, eight years of Obama, and we’re right back to a
very possible Clinton/Bush battle, which seems so utterly ridiculous it’s hard
to even make jokes about. This is where we are though – fed limited choices,
and berated for not being more excited about those limited choices. And if
Clinton’s biggest liability is being saddled with whatever mean, horrible
things the right can attach to her through Obama, as well as her husband, then
fucking Bush’s biggest liability is his last name – which runs through over
thirty years of historical liability at this point. And yet, as with all
marketing campaigns, both sides will probably just try to twist our perception
of their liability as an actual strength that we just don’t understand SO
THEY’LL TELL US OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL WE UNDERSTAND IT
CORRECTLY.
#3: Marco Rubio – 10 to 1 odds. Probably not a legit
contender but will play the Republican role of “minority choice” so that they
can pretend to be reaching out to all of America with the open arms of
prosperity. Rubio is the shining star of their genetic clone crop of
Hispanic-themed business cyborgs. Unfortunately, cyborgs don’t play well in the
sticks because they are too robotic and lack that down home folksy humor that
like to put depleted-uranium bullets into brown people.
#4: Chris Christie – 12 to 1 odds. Christie has already
shown a few times he is a joke, so the longevity of his marketing campaign to
be Soda King will depend mostly on that old Three Stooges bit where they ask
for volunteers to step forward and everybody else steps backwards. That is to
say, Christie will only be as successful as much as his competition obviously
fucks up to keep him relevant by default.
#5: Scott Walker – 14 to 1 odds. And this is a top contender
for Republicans? Wasn’t he the dude that had folks occupying the capitol
building in Wisconsin, ready to set shit on fire? What the fuck man, is this
the best we can do? This guy is the fifth-best candidate at this point?
#6: Rand Paul – 16 to 1 odds. Rand will follow his father’s
MO of staying in the race longer than anybody else by playing strong to the
fringe element. He actually might be too clean-looking for the fringe element
even, because the fringe element is dirty, grimy, covered in the trickle down
greases of industrial economy but maintained psychically by a steady diet of AM
radio. In recent years that AM radio diet has been complemented by cable “news”
stations, but with TV you actually get to see the person, and Rand Paul does
not look like a grizzled old carpeting & tile small business owner like his
dad did. He looks like an asshole who teaches at the local university.
#7: Mitt Romney – 16 to 1 odds. I guess Romney actually
already met with the Koch brothers, and deemed himself not a viable potential
marketing campaign for Republican soda this time, his marketability having been
used up too far beyond a re-branding effort in 2012. But for whatever reason he
was still listed on the contenders list at the sketchy betting site I got them
from, so I still write a few token words about his rich, white ass.
#8: Elizabeth Warren – 18 to 1 odds. Warren seems to be the
early Facebook meme for mainstream alternative folks leader, according to my
own personal realm of data input. People are excited about her because she has
good anti-1% quotes that can be impact fonted onto an image and shared as some
sort of psychologically pleasing fake act of resistance. That shit don’t count
for actual votes inside Diebold machines though, and though she’s a much more
visually palatable version of Dennis Kucinich, that off-brand, watered down
revolt through bureaucracy gets stomped on in the primary process by
well-funded traditionals like H.R. Clinton. However, in the Democratic party
process, people like Warren serve the important function of pretending the
voice of the downtrodden is actually still taken into consideration.
#9: Joe Biden – 33 to 1 odds. Oh man, I think Joe Biden’s
gonna be an amazing candidate, because he doesn’t really seem to give a fuck at
this point. Al Gore was all business and serious as fuck when he wanted to be
President in 2000, and that tends to be the VP way – to act like you’re the
most perfect person to step into the role because you’ve basically been an
understudy for years now. But Biden is one of the first returning VPs after an
8-year President that is not the natural frontrunner. This is gonna put Biden
into full Biden mode, battling for his own relevancy, and if anybody can bust
out the down home folksy bullshit, it’s Biden. He actually will probably be the
highlight of the primary campaigns, so long as they don’t try to convince him
to lay back for H.R. Clinton. (I am probably going to refer to her as “H.R.
Clinton” from here on out.)
#10: Paul Ryan – 33 to 1 odds. This guy sucked in 2012, was
the Republican hotshot version of rushing somebody through quickly while they
seemed hype to the public, which is how the Dems handled Obama in 2008. But
that hotshot ate Ryan up, and he looked a chump next to Biden in the VP debates
of 2012. He also has the dead eyes of a man with zero soul left, having
compromised himself so deeply already that all he can do is smile and pretend
and regurgitate his programming.
#11: Ted Cruz – 40 to 1 odds. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a
politician in all my 42 years of being a human that looked more like a complete
fucking asshole than Ted Cruz. No candidate makes me wish we lived in a more
chaotic land of car bombs and public stabbings and prison revolts swallowing
executive sedan cavalcades in campaign passing than Ted Cruz. If George W. Bush
is Wal-Mart, and Obama is Target, then Ted Cruz is the fucking Dollar Tree, and
though I get most all my composition notebooks, transparent tape, tea candles,
and glow-in-the-dark wristbands for the children from the Dollar Tree, I’m
still not quite ready for my nation’s President’s marketing campaign to be
Dollar Tree. Now if we got one of the sassy ass ladies who work at Dollar Tree
to be President, that’d I’d get behind. Maybe President should be like jury
duty, where we just draw a group of 250 random people to enter the nomination
process, and we whittle them down to a winner. The quality of candidate would
be much higher.
#12: John Kerry – 40 to 1 odds. This Muppet eagle-looking
motherfucker got blitzed out by George W. Bush. How the fuck you gonna lose to
George W. Bush in 2004? That was a lay-up election, but Kerry failed (even if
there might’ve been outside money Citizens United commercial goaltending
involved). No way that guy gets back through the process. I’m not even sure if
he’s said he wants to, being too busy trying to save American face around the
world all the fucking time. Clinton sure bailed out at a perfect time, didn’t
she? She’s the one true player in this field right now, the Triple H to a bunch
of jobbers.
#13: Bobby Jindal – 40 to 1 odds. Jindal is prone to verbal
mistakes, but he’s also a non-white guy (though he recently made headlines by
saying he was white) in the traditional sense of what “white guy” means. He was
able to conquer the political landscape of the deep fucking twisted up south in
Louisiana, and is probably the one true “minority” candidates the Republican
party could push out that doesn’t look like the political equivalent of saying “but
some of my friends at work are black.” In fact, I’m throwing my imaginary $100
down this time around on Jindal, at 40 to 1 odds, because of all the fucking
losers and odds-and-ends that are not frontrunners at this point, he’s the only
one I can see not actively fucking it up too easily.
#14: Michael Bloomberg – 40 to 1 odds. There were a slew of
40 to 1 candidates, and I cherry-picked them as I felt like writing about them.
I put Bloomberg on here in the last spot because he is the epitome of what is
wrong with American politics. He’s been both a Democrat and Republican, and now
considers himself an independent I guess. But he also was an obvious component
of the 1% elite and wealthy that the Occupy movement was protesting against,
and he lived in penthouses right around the corner from the park those protests
were boiling up in. Bloomberg is a proven pigfucker, and the fact he’s even
considered this much of a longshot which is still this high of a choice amongst
the entire spectrum of American choice is monkey signifier that America is
fucked, doomed, and fuck whoever ends up being President in 2016.
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