45s on 33 – #1: “I’ve Got Dreams To Remember”

The sand castle was maintained for the brief period of decided upon maintenance, though I did slip away here and there for real life high tide events a few times, but was able to patch it back together and keep everything in one sand castle piece. The fleeting endless stream of net flow has become more obvious, as I’ve stopped forcing myself with social medium updates, and that is very much an echo chamber not just in what you learn or are exposed to but even in basic actual interaction. If you are not actively pursuing the social mediums, no one pursues back. I’m not sure if you are left out the algorithm due to inactivity or everyone’s memory is that quickly diminished and all we have is now, so if you are not now active you no longer exist. But it’s weird.

Too many of my real life circles are polluted by that stream as well, and there’s not a lot fueling me with that real life energy. It’s easy enough to see real life still exists and you get stuck in those moments pretty easily by accident (or accidents) but it’s hard to really decide to live accidental life. I guess you have to decide to stop deciding shit in advance.

Continuing to throw shit up on a website seems pointless to an extent, more like building and maintaining sand castles than I even realized when this 100 day project started. The internet feels like it used to be the blue highways of old, with a bunch of weird little shops and diners and libraries and shit all over, usually run by individuals with a local life but then shot out through robot wires for everyone to see. That’s been homogenized now. There are chain websites on six-lane miracle miles right off the interstates outer loop around all that weird shit. Meanwhile they are gentrifying all that weird shit at the same time, so you can have quaint little sites which are actually somehow an extension of the mainstream or funded by it or rich people or I don’t fucking know. I know I feel marginalized, which is frustrating because I grew up feeling marginalized and then was like “WOW THERE IS A WORLD TO CONNECT TO” but I guess they realized that was happening and have re-marginalized it again, so we all feel lost and disconnected and yet somehow have a compulsion to watch TV shows that have shown up in our sidebar ads or with longform thinkpieces at ballyhooed intelligentsia sites.

I do have dreams to remember – dreams of fucking that shit. I have firmly been a “fuck that shit” person from birth. You hear people pontificate self-righteously all the time about whiteness, about the culture that has colonized and demoralized the world as much as it can. For me, whiteness has always been a sterility of life, people who are boring yet judgmental yet self-important, and also oblivious to all this. They have a sense of entitlement that is the backbone to all those aforementioned traits. It is weird to see how the digital realm has become whiteness, even with those who on surface seem to portray themselves as resistance to that. Whiteness permeates this culture now, it is like GM corn and has polluted all the native crops. Everyone acts with whiteness, judging, telling others how wrong they are, making everyone feel small and marginalized. This is the algorithmic processes we are friending, we are faving, we are starring. Shit is fuckin’ wack.

I’m tired of the sand castles. It’s too much work and is gone like that.