(hopefully children love Roary the Tiger,
enough so at least to use Cash
Converters, kit sponsor)
[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology
meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English
Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is
calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end
result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had
the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier
League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an
English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV
here in the USA, where I fucking live. Should I not fail in maintaining my
unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and
15th of every month.]
Hull City A.F.C. is a great example of how fringe
Premier League clubs have become investment fodder for international
bazillionaires. Assem Allam, an Egyptian mogul, bought the club with his son
back in 2010. Over the course of his time there, he has tried to change the
name from Hull City A.F.C. to Hull Tigers for marketing purposes. With English
football club supporters groups being fairly rear view mirror focused and not
necessarily regarding the beautiful game as a business so much as a local
cultural force, they of course resisted to the point of hating the fucker
(which is good). Allam doesn’t even go to that many games because of this. Hull
City had always been called the Tigers due to their striped kits, but purposely
marketing them as such, including a clumsy mascot called Roary the Tiger (no
joke), it was very obviously an owner not giving a fuck about football or the
local supporters and simply trying to sell shit to the entire world.
But these things have a way of working themselves
out, and the psychic dysfunction caused by such an owner/supporter riff echoed
on the pitch, and Hull City crashed out of the Premier League briefly. I’m not
sure Allam went to more than a handful of games while they were at Football
Championship level, but they got back to Premier League for this season, though
are mired firmly in the relegation zone, as they have been all season long. Steve
Bruce had been their manager for a few seasons but got fed up with lack of
transfer support by management, resigned, and was replaced by his homeboy and
assistant Mike Phelan over last summer, who lasted only until two months ago,
when he got dropped (as they rested firmly at the bottom of the table) to be
replaced by Marco Silva. Silva has given Hull City fans hope they may be able
to survive this relegation pitfight.
For devil math guys like Allam, the investment
does not work out when you are relegated, and I love that shit, and will root
for that every fucking season for every devil ass owner or conglomerate or
anybody who puts that devil math to the forefront of all of life. Even as a
Swansea supporter, I was almost okay with them being relegated because
hopefully it would freeze out their new crappy American consortium owners. Then
again, Assem Allam is perfect example of how those types hold onto what they
bought, hoping against hope it will get back up to Premier League level,
stabilize itself as mid-table, and reap huge financial dividends. Fuck modern
football.
Nonetheless, here are the 25 people who have
played the strongest metaphysical role in Hull City A.F.C.’s past 100 matches,
according to my twisted matrix…
#1: ANDREW ROBERTSON – Glasgow kid who came up
through Celtic youth academy but now finds himself deeply immersed in the land
of the Anglos, having been firmly entrenched at left fullback for Hull City
since summer of 2014.
#2: SAM CLUCAS – Clucas is an English as fuck
looking midfielder who I am unable entirely to distinguish from other English
as fuck footballers, and honestly don’t watch a lot of Hull City matches so am
not too invested in figuring it out. This may be a theme in this half-month’s
listing, so I’ll insert this fun fact here instead: the city of Hull was
established by monks in the 12th century who needed a good port to export wool.
#3: CURTIS DAVIES – For those against immigration,
let us regard one (of endless) footballing examples which counter such
thinking, as Davies has English mother and Sierra Leonean father. He joined
Wimbledon at age 15, but got released, so wrote a letter to every team in the
area (including Millwall, speaking of those against immigration). This led to
him being on Luton Town youth team, and again – I am an outsider, an ignorant
American full of the self-importance native to our cultural abomination against
world civilization, so a young kid born to immigrant father handwriting letters
that end up getting him into a youth club called “Luton Town” sounds magical
and Dickensian as fuck to me. Everything sounds funny when you have a sheltered
existence.
#4: JAKE LIVERMORE – No longer with the club.
Livermore had been mainstay as defensive midfielder hybrid, but transferred to
West Brom this past January, even though Hull City not exactly thick at
defensive end of things right now. I guess when you were at the bottom (and
still right there), and the defense isn’t working, not that big a gamble to
shake shit up, right?
#5: AHMED ELMOHAMADY – Elmohamady is an Egyptian
footballer who was part of their national team’s amazing pre-revolution run,
winning the African Cup of Nations back-to-back in 2008 and 2010. (Egypt made
the final this year, in an almost return to glory.) Elmohamady likely benefits
from good manager/owner relations, as he had tried out and played at Sunderland
under former Hull manager Steve Bruce, and was loaned over to Hull a few
seasons from Sunderland before Bruce ended up there as well. On top of all
this, one has to assume an Egyptian ownership group is more than happy to have
solid Egyptian star (at home at least) on the team, and he’s been a workhorse
on their squad, appearing nearly always, even if getting rested, coming off
bench.
#6: TOM HUDDLESTONE – Huddlestone is 30-year-old
midfielder who at one point was first team at Tottenham (thus one of the Big 6
in EPL, even then), but got himself injured regularly, and ended up at Hull,
where he’s been set starter for periods, relegated to sub duty other periods,
but permanently affixed to their squad since August of 2013, making him one of
their most senior ass players.
#7: MICHAEL DAWSON – Another senior ass player,
and team captain as well. Also he was only born about 90 miles from Hull, which
to me an American seems like he’s from right down the road practically, but in
English world, that’s like 138 football clubs away. The English have football
clubs like the Americans have McDonalds. (I would prefer football culture to
fast food culture, but one chooses not where they pop out a vagina, at least
not obviously. Of course this list claims allegiance to metaphysics, and I’m
fairly certain we choose completely what we are born into at that metaphysical
level, but I can’t prove it, and we live in an age where no matter what you
say, some asshole is going to indignantly yell at you “OH YEAH? PROVE IT!”)
#8: ROBERT SNODGRASS – No longer with club, but
like Jake Livermore up above, left Hull City this past January transfer window,
going to West Ham. He also is another ugly-assed Glaswegian. There are many.
(No diss… my people come from the highlands way back, filtered through
Appalachia and into Mid-Atlantic Piedmont. I remain ugly as anybody on this
Earth, without question. But ugly people are beautiful.)
#9: HARRY MAGUIRE – Football’s depth of
development is amazing, as Maguire is this high in activity in last 100 matches
for Hull City, and yet is still only 23. He’s been at Hull since summer
(American summer… I honestly don’t know how English seasons correspond even
slightly) 2014, coming over from Sheffield United, where he’d spent his entire
career and adolescence at. He does not have tattoos prominently on his forearm,
which is aesthetic sign of traditional defensive role. The further forward into
attach a player moves, the more tattoos and rooster-like hairstyles they are
required to sport.
#10: ABEL HERNANDEZ – I simultaneously love but
also hate South American players in the EPL, and the stories that go along with
that. The youth systems in South America are not as deeply colonial as the ones
in England (naturally) but young Abel was involved in the Penarol youth system
in his native Uruguay. Penarol is one of the top clubs (and has one of the
sickest kits in all of the world’s football, in my opinion). He played
professional first for a smaller Uruguayan club before moving onto elite level
there with Penarol proper, where he exposed his talents very briefly before he
was sold off to an Italian club. This is common method there – players do not
stay for long periods of time as young players if they can be profited from. He
played five seasons at Palermo in Italian top two leagues before signing to
join Hull City in 2014 for what was a club record transfer fee then. At this
point, he features regularly but sporadically for Hull, though he was main
workhorse for them last season in second-level combat. He has netted three
goals for the side, all in January, but then he fucked up his hamstring last
month.
#11: DAVID MEYLER – Irish dude with the remarkably
blue collar Irish footballer club history of Cork City (in native Ireland) then
sold to Sunderland (industrial ball) then to Hull City. Also has appeared
regularly for Republic of Ireland national team, because all their top athletes
play other sports, as they hate the English (and to an extent association
football, though this is not entirely true and I am just being internetty).
#12: ELDIN JAKUPOVIC – What builds the psychology
of grizzled GK who continues to battle his way into starting XI? Well, how
about Bosnian kid diaspora’d off to Switzerland, where he becomes pro
footballer, spends a couple seasons from there to Greek leagues before landing
in Hull City in 2012, where he has existed (aside from two loans to Leyton
Orient) ever since. They’ve signed other GKs, and even now he shares the
duties, but Jakupovic always seems to find his way back in front of goal for
spells (and more than just the “ok let’s play this guy during all the League
and FA Cup games we don’t really care about as much” times).
#13: MOSES ODUBAJO – Odubajo, according to the
internet, moved in with his older brother at age 13 when his moms died of
malaria. His full name is Moses Adeshina Ayoola Junior Odubajo, which leads me
to believe we really skimp on naming conventions in western (“white”) culture.
Not me though. All my kids got multiple middle names, and I assign them aliases
on regular basis as well depending on how well they keep up with their chores.
#14: ADAMA DIOMANDE – Young Adama’s first name is
Valentin, and he was born on February 14, same day as me, which makes me angry
at my parents (again with our weak ass western naming conventions) because
Valentin Raven Mack would’ve been pretty great name. (Plus acronym VRM sounds
tailor-made for fame.) Anyways, our man Valentin grew up in Norway and played
his entire footballing career in Scandinavia, except for a brief season in
Belarus, before joining Hull City at beginning of last season’s Championship
level slog. He’s a striker, and scored two goals this season, but nothing since
December.
#15: ALLAN MCGREGOR – There’s only one person I expect
who actually reads this list and that’s my friend Paul, who is diehard Celtic
fan. So Paul, let me tell you about what a scumfuck Allan McGregor is. Youth
and early professional career all tied to Rangers, thus means he was developed
as trash human being. After finally escaping through Turkey and perhaps being
deprogrammed at Besiktas, he moved on to Hull City. But he found himself behind
two other GKs this year, so he was sent on season-long loan to Cardiff City
(Welsh scum), thus confirming that trash players will always find homes on
trash teams. (FVKK RANGERS! FVKK CARDIFF!)
#16: MOHAMMED DIAME – No longer with the club.
Senegalese guy by way of French colonialism, who held down the midfield for
Hull for two full seasons, and even scored the decisive goal in the
Championship play-off final 1-0 win at Wembley which got Hull City back to the
Premier League. Sadly, he signed with Newcastle United, so he remains at
Football Championship level again this season.
#17: DAVID MARSHALL – The other GK who is sort of
the starter but also not the starter. I don’t know man, Hull City seems to be
all over the place with their GK history in recent seasons. But you could do
worse than dirty-faced 30-something Bosnian and Glaswegian Scot as your two
choices.
#18: RYAN MASON – Midfielder who came up through
Tottenham academy, and had been with the Spurs at professional level since
2010, although this mostly consisted of loans out to Doncaster Rovers,
Millwall, Lorient, and Swindon Town. He actually got loaned down from Lorient
top club to Lorient B team in 2013. He cracked top Tottenham squad last season,
scored his first goal for them, but then got injured and stagnated again.
Finally Spurs gave up on the dude so he flowed down the footballing pyramid
hill, and landed at Hull City this past August. I think the dude is doomed
though, because he cracked his skull (for real) in January against Chelsea, and
is still out due to that. (I hope he has to wear one of those Petr Cech
helmets, because those things make me laugh, until somebody responsibly points
out it’s due to skull injuries and dangers of death. But fuck it man, my whole
life has had risk of skull injury and possible death right fucking there. You
not gonna make me beta back with that type of chastisement.)
#19: SHAUN MALONEY – Another Scottish bro who went
through Celtic ranks, but obviously is not all that great because he played 8
months in beginning of 2015 at MLS Chicago Fire. Nobody worth a shit plays in
the MLS. MLS is for shitty Americans, maybe Latino players angling for European
eyeballs (high maybe on that because you’d be better off elsewhere, and likely
just aren’t good enough for other Latino leagues domestico), and then famous
people having swan song retirement paycheck in front of Americans.
#20: DIEUMERCI MBOKANI – Because of following
African football (both club and national team level) for a few years, I’m
infatuated/fascinated by DR Congolese players and that nation’s footballing
culture. It’s a pretty fucked nation historically, not only by the Belgians
(well, mostly by the Belgians) but also by kleptocrats in power since Belgians
were expelled. Congolese players have a certain dead-but-alive-as-fuck look in
their eyes, and Mbokani is no exception to this stereotype. Oddly, he is
actually contracted to Dynamo Kyiv in the Ukraine (most all the former Soviet
leagues are notoriously racist places to ply your footballing trade, due to
“nationalism”) but has spent as much time loaned out to English clubs (both
Norwich City and Hull City) as over there. Been at Hull since this past August.
#21: MARKUS HENRIKSEN – Norwegian attack MFer
(midfielder of motherfucker, choose your wording) who came from Dutch leagues
on loan to Hull City last August, shown brightness, thus the move was made
permanent this past January transfer window.
#22: CHUBA AKPOM – 21-year-old English young man
of Nigerian descent who came up through Arsenal academy system and is still
contracted to them. Was loaned out to Hull the entirety of last season, helping
them gain promotion, and even scored a hat trick in an FA Cup tie away to Bury.
Spent early part of this season on the Arsenal U23 team, but now he now is
kicking it with Brighton Hove & Albion, who are entrenched firmly at the
top of the Football Championship table (thus Premier League-bound in all
likelihood).
#23: JOSH TYMON – 17-year-old kid who came up
through youth academy at Hull City since age 12, and was promoted to main team
in 2016. He scored his first goal against Swansea City in the FA Cup this past
January. 17 years old and already has 4 Premier League appearances… even at a
lower-level club like Hull City, that’s pretty fuckin’ impressive.
#24: ISAAC HAYDEN – Like Akpom, another Arsenal
academy kid who spent last year’s entire season on loan to Hull City. Arsenal
sold him off to Newcastle United this past July on five-year deal (which of
course means nothing in terms of actual time), which could be his ticket to
make an actual Premier League debut next season (as all his time with Hull was
one level down).
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#25: SONE ALUKO – No longer with the club. Aluko
is a nomadic player, English kid of Nigerian descent, who played for English
national youth teams up until U19 level before jumping to Nigerian U20 team
(and now has had 7 caps for Nigerian men’s team itself). Club-wise, he’s done
nothing but bounce as well, between England and Scotland, though his four
seasons with Hull were the one period of stability for him. He was left to join
Fulham on a free transfer this past July though.
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