(Stoke City fans harassing Wayne Rooney years ago)
[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]
July is upon us, unleashing the corporate chaos of
transfer season is full blossom of ridiculous financial figures which only seem
to be growing more insane. Whatever though. There are legitimately only six
clubs in the EPL who have legitimate power roles, and those are the ones who
shall contend for European football moving forward. Of course, the past two
seasons have seen clubs from without the European football window (meaning no
Champions or Europa League) with Leicester City coming from nowhere, and
Chelsea recovering from Jose Mourinho running them into the ground the previous
season by being able to focus on the EPL and run away with it last season. Will
some club outside the top seven do that again this season? Who the fuck knows,
but probably not. But I’m not here to speculate about all that, mostly just
trying to maintain my first of da month it’s da first of da month (and
fifteenth) regular routine of dropping another one of these damn thangs on the
nowhere that is my dark corner of the internet (but not deep web, just shallow
web, but not algorithmed out maximum style). What I know about Stoke City FC? I
like their kits, the striped red and white joints, and they’re called The
Potters, which is better than what it could be. But beyond that, they’re not
one of the biggest clubs deserving of my anti-corporate born loser contempt,
and they’re not a direct rival to my beloved idiot Swans of Swansea City,
although I guess Stoke City occupies that same realm of lesser but potentially
good but also potentially relegated clubs, which shit, that’s about half the
Premier League. Right? Anyways, here are the 25 men who metaphysically and
mathematically have had the biggest roles in the past 100 non-friendly
competitive matches by the Stoke City Potters of Stoke-on-Trent, England,
Premier League, Earth…
#1: ERIK
PIETERS – Dutch left back who’s been consistently their go-to guy since
2013, but caught shit last season for falling off his high horse of supporter
esteem. Thus, the Potters starting that easy talk of getting a teenager
challenger/support player to, ya know, just prepare for the future (aka either
motivate the fucker or give the club enough promise of an excuse to let the
veteran go).
#2: MARKO
ARNAUTOVIC – Austrian winger who’s also been with Stoke City since 2013-14
season, when he came over from the Bundesliga. My personal familiarity with
Arnautovic was the two minutes that the failure demons disappeared from Swansea
City’s season last spring, and I knew metaphysics was on our side, as
Arnautovic was about to take a PK which would have drawn Stoke City even at
1-1, and likely doomed the Swans to Hull City’s place in the Football
Championship. But for some reason (metaphysics, the football Gods, whatever)
Arnautovic bizarrely shanked it high, and then a minute later Tom Carroll
lobbed a second goal over GK Jack Butland’s head, Swansea City went up 2-0, and
went on to survive another Premier League campaign. He’s been Stoke City’s main
point of attack, and should continue to serve that purpose, as other attack
options they’ve brought in have all failed to live up to the potential hype.
#3: RYAN
SHAWCROSS – Center back captain who’s pulled a decade of service with the
club. He had an injury-plagued 2015-16, but came back strong last season,
missing just three matches all season long, all competitions.
#4: GLENN
WHELAN – Whelan, an Irish midfielder, will come up on a decade of service
on Stoke City’s squad this coming January. He is however being linked to moves
to both Derby County and Aston Villa, though this time of year, everybody is
being linked to moves everywhere. I did an ego search of my own name the other
day and saw I was linked to a potential move to Blackpool FC, as cover at left
back. I had no idea.
#5: BRUNO
MARTINS INDI – Porto defender who played 37 of 41 matches last season for
Stoke City while on season-long loan. With him gone, they’re forced to go to
who they already have, but if they depended so heavily on a loanee last season,
one has to believe manager Mark Hughes not exactly keen on his back line
entirely.
#6: GLEN
JOHNSON – Aging right full back who just signed a contract extension to get
even older in striped Stoke City kit. Has also appeared extensively for the
English national team over the years, most notably in 2014 World Cup, where he
fed a beautiful assist to shithead Wayne Rooney for their only score in 2-1
loss to Uruguay.
#7: JOE
ALLEN – Welsh midfielder who brokes all of Wales hearts by going to Stoke
City before last season instead of coming home to Swansea. Allen played his
youth football there, and is Welsh as fuck (meaning he speaks Welsh, which is
all you really have to do to make Welsh people happy as fuck about you, even
though they teach it in the schools there now, AT ONE POINT THEY DIDN’T SO
MOTHERFUCKERS GET HYPE, OKAY?). His only time outside of Wales at club level
was his previous stint for four years at Liverpool, but he settled in well with
the Potters, and it’s a good squad for him because he’s one of those players
who can excel at middle of the table clubs and help push them into that 6th
through 9th zone, but he’d get lost in the crowd at one of the big six clubs
(as happened with Liverpool).
#8: GEOFF
CAMERON – AN AMERICAN BOY, and one who has made the very rare jump from
U.S. college soccer, then from MLS to Europe, as usually they fall backwards to
the MLS. He’s been midfielder for Stoke City since 2012, and despite missing a
chunk of last season with knee injury, signed an extension in May. He’s a serviceable
enough midfielder by EPL standards, but he’s not challenging Joe Allen for
stardom or gonna contend for a captain’s armband any time ever, but just by
being a steady presence in EPL for a few seasons, he’s one of the USMNT MOST
AMAZING PLAYERS AND A SIGN WE WILL CONTEND TO WIN THE WORLD CUP IN 2018,
because really all you need is a halfway serviceable midfielder and an American
birth certificate. We’re that fucking exceptional, ya bish.
#9: XHERDAN
SHAQIRI – Shaqiri is young winger who has previously been in high profile
clubs Bayern Munich and Inter Milan. But for me the most intriguing aspect is
his Swiss citizenship, due to living there after immigration, though is was
born in Kosovo to parents with both Kosovan and Albanian descent. Kosovo, of
course, gained admittance to UEFA World Cup qualifying, which complicated group
draws since that happened late, as the continued literal Balkanization of
Yugoslavia makes all these national teams that *may * have conflict any
moments, like when Albanian supporters flew drones with Albanian flags dangling
during Euro 2016 qualifier against Serbia. Did Shaqiri have any interest in
playing for the Kosovan team if he knew they could be part of UEFA? I don’t
know. Looking at their national team roster, it’s a hodgepodge of Eastern
European club players, with the occasional guys from second level of English or
Italian football, or from prominent Dutch teams.
#10: LEE
GRANT – Joined Stoke City a year ago on loan from Derby County, where he’d
spent a number of seasons, and did so well they signed him on a permanent deal
in January. With Butland returning in April, it is expected Grant will be
back-up. Grew up a Watford fan, and attended their youth academy, so probably
hoping for dream transfer there still too.
#11: JONATHAN
WALTERS – Ode to the White Striker, meritocratic relic forced to maintain
prominent role in English football due to racialist supporter base. At top of
White Striker pyramid is heritage White Striker like Wayne Rooney, though
perhaps transfer of Harry Kane directly to Manchester United creates challenge
for top White Striker in England. Then of course you have the supporters’ faves
like Jamie Vardy, because despite there being athletic excellence there, the
drunken fuck can go “That could be you or me, Charlie!” And then holding down
the bottom of the upper portion of the White Striker pyramid as visible in the
Premier League is the Jonathan Walters level, where you’re good for a handful
of goals every year, against other clubs more on your level, but you ain’t
gonna break shit wide open for nobody no time soon. And you’re not gonna
transfer to Galatasaray any time soon.
#12: CHARLIE
ADAM – Midfielder now in his 30s who’s been holding it down for Stoke City
since 2012-13 season, but starting to get lost in a more crowded midfield.
There’s been rumors (look at all these rumors, I can’t take it no more) of him
returning to native Dundee to play for his hometown club, which follows earlier
links to a Rangers transfer. Dundee makes sense if football was only about
being happy, but this motherfucker probably gonna keep getting an EPL paycheck
for another season, unless they send him off.
#13: MAME
DIOUF – Senegalese attacking winger that as I looked at his club history,
made me sad about football, as young west African kid possessed of the football
blessings heads off to Europe and after a couple of Molde seasons is snapped up
by Manchester United as they acquire and stockpile raw gems just for the sheer
decadent fuck of it. Over the course of four seasons, he makes five appearances
for Man United, before being cast asunder. I mean, he landed in the Bundesliga
for two years, and did really well, which is how he ended up back in EPL with
Stoke City, but his productivity at scoring has steadily declined. I guess
he’ll inherit more time if Walters does leave, but seasonal goal contributions
trending down (12 to 5 to a single goal last season) suggests if anyone goes,
someone else might come. How the fuck do you end up washed up feeling at age
29? You sit on the bench at one of the big Manchester clubs and have your
football passion sucked right the fuck out of you, that’s how.
#14: PETER
CROUCH – Supporters complaint about the Potters is that they are old as
fuck, and only getting older. Nobody on the team is older than Crouch. (That
may or may not be true, but he’s an old fucker, and goofy as shit looking too,
like if you made a British version of Shaggy from Scooby Doo but one who kept
his hair well-trimmed yet looked just as stupid somehow, due to the eyes I guess;
and I don’t feel like double-checking this “fact” because likely there are
three people reading this. Hi Paul. Hey Jude.)
#15: JACK
BUTLAND – Regular GK for Stoke City who missed big chunk of last season
with fractured ankle which had originally happened in March of 2016. He was
their player of the year for 2015-16, so his return this past April was more
than welcome, although Lee Grant did well enough in his absence. Butland’s also
the GK for the English team, moving into probably starting role there as well,
as he’s a young fucker.
#16: PHIL
BARDSLEY – Defensive member of Stoke City’s aging posse. Before coming to
the Potters, Bardsley spent a long stint at shitty Sunderland, which would
sully anybody, and before that did a five-year stint technically contracted to
Manchester United but it just meant they loaned him out all over the world.
#17: PHILIPP
WOLLSCHEID – German defender who spent all of last season on loan back to
Germany, for Wolfsburg (the team with those ill ass green VW kits), but he got
suspended early on for fighting with the manager, then had tinnitus surgery,
and finally came back to play for their second team before making about a half
dozen appearances for Wolfsburg finally at the end of the season, helping them
narrowly avoid relegation out of the Bundesliga. Contractually, he’s back with
Stoke City, but it’s hard to imagine his position is secure.
#18: IBRAHIM
AFELLAY – Dutch fucker of Moroccan descent who has been injury plagued
since joining Stoke City in July of 2015. Got knee injured in April of 2016
which put him out for 8 months, returning day after Boxing Day against
Liverpool last season. Performed well enough to get a contract extension in
March, but then fucked his knee up again in April requiring another surgery,
thus his future is on the shelf until he regains fitness post-rehab. Also of
note is he is a Berber. The Berbers will rise again, fyi.
#19: GIANNELLI
IMBULA – Belgian defensive midfielder who came over from Portuguese league
February of 2016, and has performed horribly, and the club is planning on
dumping him off as soon as they can.
#20: MARC
MUNIESA – Sexy young Spaniard defender who came up through Barcelona youth
academy, and played extensively for Barcelona B from 2009-2013, but never broke
through with the A team. Muniesa’s role increased the second half of the
season, and he is one of their younger players, so it’s hard to imagine him
being allowed to get away, but links sending him back to Spain are out there.
Again though, it’s July, everybody is rumored to go anywhere.
#21: BOJAN
– Spaniard with Serbian bloodlines who was not finding playing time at
winger/forward under manager Mark Hughes, and got loaned to Mainz 05 the second
half of last season, who were at the bottom of the Bundesliga table. He scored against
Bayern Munich, making him one of only seven men to have scored in the top
leagues of England, Germany, Italy, and Spain. Has been promised a chance to
continue to have role with Stoke City by Hughes, but who the fuck can trust
managers.
#22: RAMADAN
SOBHI – Young Egyptian winger (only 20) who previously spent his entire
youth and club career with Al Ahly, which is one of the more amazing club
stories in all the world. The rivalry – both in terms of football as well as
culture – between Al Ahly and Zamalek in Cairo is like if you made River
Plate/Boca Juniors rivalry highly political as well. Has not as of yet scored
in EPL, but did cause Swansea City’s Alfie Mawson to deflect a cross into an
OG. His club future is still to unfold, but he is seen as Egypt’s next big
scoring threat. Thus far, in both 2017 African Cup of Nations as well as World
Cup qualifying thus far (Egypt leads their group), he has played tertiary role
behind Mohamed Salah and Abdallah Said, but if they gain qualification, perhaps
next summer in Russia will be his breakout.
#23: SAIDO
BERAHINO – Came to Stoke City from West Brom this past January, after
failing to impress and losing clout there. In 13 appearances for the Potters,
he failed to score though, and a drug suspension previously having been served
was revealed as well. Still only 23, but there’s swirls of chaos around the
young Burundi striker, so this is likely important season for him to either
settle himself or become nomadic football vagabond forever.
#24: JOSELU
– Joined Stoke City two seasons ago, but spent all of last season loaned to
Deportivo de la Coruna in La Liga. Currently telling the press that standard
thing players who could end up anywhere say, that he’ll work hard to perform
well for Stoke City, or for wherever he goes, because you know football
kayfabe.
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#25: WILFRIED
BONY – When I first fell in love with EPL fascination, and Swansea City
specifically, it was when Wilfried Bony was in top form, before Manchester City
came swooping in. The few months when Bony was leading the league in goals was
amazing to watch, because his technique was so west African, so impossible to stop
when he turned it on. It has made me sad to see him waste away in Manchester
City contractual stagnancy, and after causing nothing but problems during his
short time at Stoke City, his options look even more limited this season. But
nobody’s gonna pay what Man City paid for him (it’s a lot), so they’ll have to
find a sucker somewhere on this Earth, perhaps in China, likely in Turkey, who
will take at least a fat chunk of the wage bill. And Bony’s only fucking 28.
Corporate football will eat motherfuckers up, and most people who might
accidentally read this would blame the whole thing on Wilfried himself. Brexit
MAGA ass bitches.
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