(Rooney celebrates his "scripted" goal last week, like Triple H at Wrestlemania)
[25-Man Metaphysical
Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players
who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100
non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted
towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a
team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical
sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the
highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak
English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And
yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate
myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man
Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]
I live in the Charlottesville, Virginia, USA,
Earth, region, so we were all sort of pre-occupied with a Nazi invasion this
past weekend. I didn’t even look up the Swansea City/Southampton result until
well into the evening (our American evening, not English evenings, which I hear
are wonderful this time of year), and it was nice of them to just have a 0-0
draw until I could actually watch. I wouldn’t have been able to illegally
stream it anyways because I’m out of internet for the month, as I live in a
rural area with shitty internet. Yes, I live in a magical place where you run
out of internet and Nazis all of a sudden invade… don’t believe the myths about
American exceptionalism at all.
Anyways, I doubt the Swans/Saints match would’ve
been that great as two of my absolute favorites – Gylfi Sigurdsson and Virgil
van Dijk – both were not playing due to kind of just fucking around waiting to
actually be transferred to larger clubs. I get the sense that there’s a two-way
dick maneuver going on here, where the smaller club is trying to fleece the
larger club a little more while the larger club tries to drag it out so as to
completely doom the smaller club to not be able to make deals with their
newfound windfall at the transfer deadline.
This is not the case with Everton (who hopes to be
reaping the benefits of Gylfi “Mr. Spot Kick” Sigurdsson soon enough), as they
cashed out on last season’s top performer, and manager Ronald Koeman has
splashed that cash on Michael Keene, Jordan Pickford, and Everton hometown boy
Wayne Rooney (with, of course, Gylfi to soon join). After Koeman led Everton to
a solid 7th and Europa League qualification, this infusion of first team talent
has people delusional about something bigger. Personally though, I am hoping
Rooney’s sour-faced pouting ruins it all, which I think it will. It’s an
unreasonable thought, I know, but man it’d be great to see Rooney ruin his
boyhood club and get them relegated. (Yes, that’s how much I dislike Wayne
Rooney.)
Nonetheless, using my proven metaphysical
scientific algorithms, here are the 25 men who took up the most space on this
club’s last 100 non-friendly matches. Of course, since they are only a handful
of matches into being at Everton, none of those big names mentioned above are
on this list (yet)…
#1: Romelo
Lukaku – Lukaku was out of control great last season for Everton, and a big
part behind their success (as well as the cash infusion for their squad growth
this off-season). Obviously he is gone, and showed no signs of slowing down,
scoring a brace for ManU in PL debut for them. But one has to wonder if a batch
of parts, albeit shiny parts, is going to equal what Lukaku gave them in terms
of actually scoring. Rooney’s not going to do that. I mean, he did last
weekend, but you know that dude was amped full of a lifetime of adrenaline for
that moment. (Also, if you assume most major corporatist sports leagues are
“engineered” for profit, no way Rooney doesn’t score the only goal of match
right before half when in-stadium and at-home online shopping gets a massive
boost during the commercial break.) Rooney is not going to replace Lukaku, so I
guess the hope is Rooney and gang equal not only a draw in goal differential
potential but a step in an even better direction. I don’t know though.
#2: Ross
Barkley – Big boy Barkley seemed set for a switch to Spurs, but now he’s
got hamstring issues that might mess it all up. He’s been an Everton man since
before he was a man, but also I’m kinda like fuck Ross Barkley, which is why I
think it’d be great if he stayed there with Rooney.
#3: Leighton
Baines – Aging “vice-captain” which means he has settled into marriage with
his third model wife so he’s the go-to guy for party drugs when the team goes
out clubbing.
#4: Ashley
Williams – (previously ranked #10
with Swansea City on 01-Feb-2017) Ash was a transfer last year, as Koeman
started stockpiling talent, and I was sad to see him leave Swansea City. He was
a club legend, as well as Welsh legend, but of course this is football, and we
fell in love with Alfie Mawson’s big goofy ass right away, and we were all
heckling Ashley when he came back late last season. Lolol, man we’re some
fickle fuckers.
#5: Seamus
Coleman – Great poet.
#6: Phil
Jagielka – Hockey player.
#7: Gareth
Barry – Somehow English and not Welsh, despite being named Gareth.
#8: Idrissa
Gueye – From Senegal, which means I will mention how because my wife went
there one time, we use the Wolof word for naughty “si si” with our kids, so
they know one Wolof word. Kinda stressed about Nazis to be honest, so sort of
mailing this half-month in. This is essentially my League Cup.
#9: Joel
Robles – Not sure if he is third or second on the GK depth charts now that
Jordan Pickford is there, but I know you’re not likely to see Mr. Robles unless
it’s an early round of the FA Cup.
#10: Ramiro
Funes Mori – Poor dude was living up as an Argentine defender for River
Plate, but crossed the ocean for the big money where he’s a part-time
minute-getter for Everton. Corporate colonialism remains real.
#11: Kevin
Mirallas – In researching Mirallas goal scoring history, I discovered there
is actually a thing called the Dubious Goals Committee, which decides the
identity of the goal scorer in instances where it’s not clear right away. They
meet a few times a year, and figure these things out.
#12: Tom
Davies – He’s only 19, but already made 30 appearances for Everton, most of
which came last season. He’s also appeared in all three matches this season so
far (one PL match, two in Europa League against Ruzomberok, which is a club of
errant Amish guys I think).
#13: Jamie
McCarthy – I think I had a Scottish themed Football Manager experiment
where this guy crushed it for me for a few seasons, but I can’t be sure. A kid
named McCarthy born and raised in Scotland (Glasgow specifically)? Of course he
loves Celtic. He has been whispered to be on the way out himself, potentially
dropping to a lower PL club like West Brom or stupid Newcastle United.
#14: Maarten
Stekelenburg – The smuggest looking man in all of Haarlem, The Netherlands.
He joined Everton last year with fellow Dutchboy Koeman at the helm, and was
starter until he got injured and replaced by Robles, but regained his top
position between the poles in April. That might be over with Pickford here now,
but who knows. Never count Haarlem out.
#15: Aaron
Lennon – Winger who spent a decade with Tottenham before joining Everton in
February of 2015. Claims both Irish and Jamaican heritage, which, holy fuck,
must be some sort of wild internal genetic molecular predisposition to berserk
the world.
#16: Mason
Holgate – Look, I don’t know many of the lower-level guys that end up on
these lists, so I have to look them up like any shitty freelance writer would.
Due to my American bias, I was flabbergasted with shock when I found out a guy
named “Mason Holgate” was not white.
#17: Morgan
Schneiderlin – A literal Nazi. (Sorry. We’re kind of PTSD’ed out here in
Virginia right now, so when I walk around and see a vague white guy I don’t
know, I automatically wonder, “fascist or friend?” to gauge whether I should be
prepared for imminent violent conflict or not.)
#18: Tom
Cleverley – (previously ranked #18
with Watford on 01-May-2017) Loaned to Watford last January, which turned
into permanent move, which is fine because Watford kits are way tighter. Why
are so many English club kits so boring? Did they have less of a prism of
colors back in the late 1800s or something?
#19: John
Stones – I think now that John Stones is firmly settled at ManCity we can
all agree, fuck John Stones.
#20: Bryan
Oviedo – Freakin’ Costa Rican who plays from back line to midfield down the
left side who moved to Sunderland this past January. Sorry Bryan.
#21: Gerard
Deulofeu – Young Spanish winger who spent nearly three seasons in piecemeal
portions with Everton before being loaned out to Italian club last season.
Barcelona, who owned him still, triggered a buy-back clause, and now he’s back
with Barca.
#22: Yannick
Bolasie – (previously ranked #15 with
Crystal Palace on 15-Mar-2017) Came over from Crystal Palace at beginning
of last season, but has played sparingly. Also been a steady presence at winger
over the past few years for the Democratic Republic of Congo’s national team.
And also noted grime enthusiast. I fucks with Congolese grime enthusiasts.
#23: Enner
Valencia – (previously ranked #22
with West Ham United on 01-Jun-2017) Ecuadorian whirlwind who struggled
during a season long loan to Everton last season from West Ham, but yo, he’s
signed for Tigres in Mexico. Can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I wish
my man Jefferson Montero from Swansea City would make a move to Santos Laguna.
Liga MX so much fun to watch.
#24: Tim
Howard – The American Taliban, who has since returned to his homeland to
lead a jihad of cornball cosplaying American Outlaws too high on that Colorado
kind to realize what fucking tools they all are.
#25: Arouna
Kone – Released by Everton at the end of last season, to move to Turkey
(playing for Sivasspor now), where all Ivorians should go to find their truest
footballing power levels.
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