(nothing to this other than I find this picture amusing)
I’ve been told that the southern tip of England is
full of some trash folks, but to be honest I’ve been told that about most parts
of England. The English people do not seem to have the best reputation among
their fellow denizens of the world. I am not here to disparage or defend
though, just cycle through this list of 25 men who have played the most minutes
out of the last 100 competitive matches for this club. So let me begin…
#1: Fraser
Forster – Rojonekku allegiances maintains a supporters agreement with
Celtic F.C., so obviously there is love here for Forster, who did five seasons
in Glasgow before his current three-years-and-counting spell with Southampton
began. Oddly enough, as a young buck, Forster – who was already playing GK
(sign of a wild ass kid, in my opinion) – was thunk to be too small. Dude ended
up being 6’ 7”. And though he missed half of that second season with
Southampton due to injury, he’s otherwise and most definitely since then been
their man in between the posts, hence him just signing a new five year deal,
which of course might mean he’s shipped off to Besiktas next July if things
unexpectedly get ugly. Football is unforgiving as a business.
#2: Oriol
Romeu – Young Spaniard who came up in Barcelona’s infamously amazing youth
academy, and actually even got a couple of appearances for Barca’s senior team
before making his way to England. He previously had a stint with Chelsea, in
that hot prospect oft-loaned limbo young wunderkids find themselves in with the
biggest clubs. Lack of consistent home club allowed his footballing stock to
fall (relatively speaking) until he landed in Southampton two years ago, where
he has established himself as key fulcrum in defensive midfield between the
Saints’ solid defense and off-and-on attack.
#3: Ryan
Bertrand – Bertrand was a Chelsea starlet who spent almost a decade under
contract to them but really only had one year where he was a regular for them.
During that period: 57 appearances for Chelsea, plus loans everywhere which led
to: 7 appearances with Bournemouth, 24 with Oldham Athletic, 60 with Norwich
City, 51 with Reading, 19 with Nottingham Forest, and 16 with Aston Villa.
Those last 16 were at Premier League level, which made him known enough that he
got a permanent transfer to Southampton, where he’s established himself as left
back of choice on that solid defensive line.
#4: Steven
Davis – Well, hate to bring up the Celtic kinship again, but Davis is a
Northern Irishman who spent four seasons with Rangers. In fact, Davis’s path to
Southampton was direct result of Rangers’ financial collapse in 2012, which
allowed Davis to become a free agent and make the move to Southampton. He’s
also club captain, which I guess is some sort of public relations role separate
from the dude on the pitch who wears the armband during matches. But fuck if I
know for sure.
#5: Dusan
Tadic – Serb. I’m a leisurely student of post-Yugoslavic break-up (lolol,
textbook “Balkanization”)culture and football, and have my entirely unnecessary
loyalties built from this. A conclusion from all this has been an assumption
that Serbs are wretched. Of course then I got a job where the main boss was a
Serbian woman, and to be honest she wasn’t wretched but she also wasn’t
wonderful, so maybe they are a patriarchal culture and the women learn how to
be strange political tricksters. She did make some good ass baklava, and we had
long discussions about fermented foods, so I guess what I’m saying is maybe I
don’t unfairly hate Serbs any more. Good baklava will do that to you. (This is
not a euphemism; she was an old woman, but that baklava was still good.)
#6: Maya
Yoshida – Yoshida played his youth ball in his home country of Japan for
what is my favorite club name in the world – Nagoya Grampus. I used to like
Young Boys in Switzerland even more, but you can’t really say that on the
internet.
#7: Cedric
Soares – aka just Cedric, linked to Chelsea, but contracted to Southampton,
at least for now. He’s also Portuguese, and has received the Ordem do Infante
Dom Henrique as well as the Ordem do Merito, which are a pair of Ravensclaw
spells that make your body shrink three inches but your penis grows three
inches. This is why Cedric is only 5’8”.
#8: Nathan
Redmond – Redmond’s a winger who jumped from Norwich City before last
season after the Canaries got relegated. Southampton did not get relegated, but
check out this fun fact… the previous three seasons where Redmond appeared for
a Premier League club, they were relegated. Norwich City in 2016, 2014, and
Birmingham City in 2011. Obviously Nathan Redmond is cursed, but perhaps he
absolved himself by being involved in sainthood.
#9: Virgil
van Dijk – No lie, van Dijk is likely my favorite player in EPL. He’s such
a solid, never-fuck-up presence at center back, and pretty much helped
establish that Southampton defense over the course of the past two seasons. The
end of last season, he got sidelined by injury, and his absence was noticeable.
It also sucks because he’s being expected to likely move to Liverpool, which is
fine, I mean you want dudes you like to enjoy great success and shit like that.
But I don’t know, it almost feels like your soul is squeezed at places like
that (relative to being entirely crushed at either end of Manchester), and I’d
rather a guy like van Dijk – a noble and rare spirit warrior, in fact we shall
call him The Great Virgil van Dijk (TGVvD) – should be left to flourish
somewhere where his ways will not be stifled by pretentious notions, or
threatened constantly with a fresh new hotness that will potentially replace
him. TGVvD deserves awe. Of course, Southampton knows what the fuck is up, and
are sort of just standing around trying to be silent, hoping TGVvD comes back
and accepts the fact he ain’t gone yet. But whether he is wearing stripes or
solid red come September, TGVvD a one of a kind presence, one that can even
temporarily transcend the shitlands of Big 6 EPL Clubbery.
#10: James
Ward-Prowse – Ward-Prowse is their homegrown talent, young 22-year-old
midfielder who came through their youth system. While in their academy, he
snuck off to train simultaneously with lower level Havant & Waterlooville
(a team I know well from Football Manager, because they were like the only
lowest tier club that would hire me as an unproven American manager in one
year’s version of the game). Despite his age, he’s coming on his sixth
anniversary of senior club appearances, and even made his first senior English
national team appearance this past March in a friendly against Germany. A south
England success story.
#11: Shane
Long – Irish fucker who may or may not be aging out of his prime, at least
at Southampton. He’s been there three years, but last season saw his goal
production fall off. New manager Mauricio Pellegrino gonna try to get him going
again (that’s what they say at least) or might see him off.
#12: Jose
Fonte – (previously ranked #15 for
West Ham United, June 1, 2017) Fonte transferred to West Ham last January,
having been supplanted at center beam of defense by van Dijk, and though he
played regularly for the Hammers, he has not shown the same ill skillz that led
to almost 300 career appearances with Southampton.
#13: Jack
Stephens – Young right back who can cover at center as well, and thus has
been enabled to shine in periphery of metaphysical aura lights of TGVvD. There
are two routes that happen from here: one, perhaps the young Jack Stephens
absorbs some of this metaphysics and becomes through psychic osmosis a better
player. You can’t really say this is outside of him because one must have that
potential in the first place, and also perhaps all humans when they are truly
being have such potential. But the second, sadder route is to not equal this,
to mistake the absorption of metaphysical power for necessity of needing
another entity’s presence. Should TGVvD leave for Liverpool, will the young
Jack Stephens start to hear the call of the failure demons, who say “You were
only good while he was here, without him you are less, it was him not you,”
saying those horrible wretched lies that failure demons, who have been
amplified by the neurological poisons of late age capitalism marketing, love to
hatefully whisper into your ear, and hopefully (for them) your heart. Last
season was the first one since Southampton got back to Premier League that
Stephens did’t spend time loaned to a lower league, spending the entire year at
St. Mary’s, and making 23 appearances (including hardcore second-eleven cup
duty).
#14: Jordy
Clasie – Look, let me be perfectly clear here – like any shitty freelance
writer, I am going to wikipedia and vague google news searches for my info. The
only difference between me and a normal shitty freelance writer is those people
tend to get paid (meager sums) for what they do. I’m doing this for no reason,
other than pure love of sharing words in the digital abyss, and then feeling
depressing chemical reactions in my brain when it makes no ripples. But I am
immediately struck by one thing on Jordy Clasie’s wikipedia page – that there
is a place called Haarlem in the Netherlands. The thing is, I busted open a
bunch of footballer wiki pages before leaving home, and now I’m sitting on
somebody’s porch in the middle of Charlottesville, no fresh internet access, so
I can’t even click the link to see what Haarlem in the Netherlands is all
about. But that’s okay, this is all part and parcel of the ragtag method of
football metaphysics, which has a science to it, but appears completely
unscientific. That is how true football works too, though there are assholes
who will tell you there is data analytics that is better than such gibberish,
and also the business aspect is pushed by Yakubian devils who had their souls
embezzled away by greed over the course of ten generations. The weird thing
about the Netherlands is, despite Amsterdam’s reputation for drugs and sex, a
lot of the Netherlands is batshit crazy religious, like Europe’s equivalent of
deep south fundamentalists. Is Haarlem there? No idea. But I’m going to pretend
in my brain (being I have not heart) and perhaps more appropriately I’m going
to manifest in my mind (which is a double dropkick of brain and heart) that
Haarlem is a wonderful place of pink and purple tulips where some middle-aged
guys led by a dude called Cam’ron sit around talking shit to each other all
day, in that loving but pokey way that true bros – not stereotypical internet
bros, but real ride or die bros do. (Please note: 98% of all people you known
will maybe ride, maybe, but doubtfully ever ride for you. Ride or die is good
metaphor, because majority of American and western enculturated people are
bitch-made, with very little ride and hardly no die in them.)
#15: Pierre-Emile
Hojbjerg – Another youngster, a 21-year-old Danish dude who enjoyed long
successful careers with Manchester United in multiple FM multiverses, so much
so I was shocked to realize he was outright on Southampton’s squad and not on
loan from Manchester United. It’s not a bad look for Southampton to have the
super young potential football heavyweights they have. They’ve not had the best
managerial consistency to match this, with an annual June sacking (Ronald
Koeman in 2016, Claude Puel in 2017) being a thing the past two years. New
manager Mauricio Pellegrino makes the jump from previous experience in Spanish
and Argentine leagues to England hoping to become the young promising
managerial version of what Hojbjerg and Ward-Prowse.
#16: Cuco
Martina – Current Everton manager Ronald Koeman had the same position at
Southampton previously, and is (according to media narratives) building a new
empire at Everton. Cuco Martina had become expendable in the Saints defense,
appearing less and less last season, thus his contract status actually was
allowed to expire. He re-joined his former manager Koeman at Everton on a free
transfer, likely for cover, because it’s hard to imagine him cracking a
starting XI on a budding empire.
#17: Jay
Rodriguez – After five seasons as Southampton’s standard vanilla forward,
he transferred to West Brom, where there’s more room for such a role currently.
#18: Sofiane
Boufal – Moroccan (by way of Paris) midfielder with attacking principles
who joined Southampton from French league before last season. Only 23, and the
fact that the majority of this list of 25 guys is all under the age of 25 is
pretty striking. You might expect that for a non-Big 6 club, but you’d also
expect that type of club to be one of those middle-to-lower table log jammers.
Southampton’s actually been pretty good, even when they’re not. I support all
North African players in the EPL, not sure why though. I think it’s some stupid
“anti-colonial” mark I like to pretend to apply to being some dumbass sitting
around passively watching a corporatized form of sports entertainment. Even
applying metaphysics to these teams… I mean, come on man, majority of
metaphysics has been pasteurized the fuck out of EPL clubs, and you only find
true metaphysics deeper down the pyramid. But it does creep through, as
football metaphysics is like kudzu on that footballing/corporate pyramid, and
though they spray pesticides all over the top tiers of that pyramid, in order
to maximize shine and keep profits high, the kudzu still creeps through the
cracks, and is climbing through the unseen heart of it.
#19: Sam
McQueen – Another young guy on their roster, as well as having come out
their youth academy. When you see the amount of solid early 20s players getting
significant minutes who came up through their system, it helps you understand
Southampton’s success. I assume of the three people reading this, one is mostly
an American sports fan, but I’m going to pretend it’s actually 3000 people, and
the 1 is 1000. SO YOU SEE, FOR THE AMERICAN SPORTS FAN, we think of player’s
developing in college, outside of a set system. Even that happens after regular
schooling. The football academic system has kids from a very early age (younger
than my youngest kid, who is 9, which is weird to think if she was a boy and we
were in England and she was good at football, she’d be gone to academy)
involved in not only learning the sport, but learning it specific to what the
mother club is trying to instill. (Also, according to revelations in recent
years, fending off sexual assaults.) It’s an indoctrination program bordering
on human programming which is simultaneously amazingly fascinating and probably
immoral. And Southampton seems to be doing it pretty well!
#20: Charlie
Austin – So what I don’t get is Charlie Austin was the shit the first full
season I followed Premier League like a consumerist addict, in 2014-15.
Everybody wanted Charlie Austin, because his talents were being wasted at
Queens Park, and once they sealed their relegation, all the talk was about
where would Charlie Austin end up. (This talk is similar to the where will
Jamie Vardy end up? talk that happened after Leicester City won the EPL.)
Austin ended up nowhere at first, then transferred to Southampton last January.
Austin has yet to establish himself a permanent starting XI role, which feels
weird because he got 9 goals in 16 appearances for Southampton first half of
this year. In fact, that period combined with his one season in PL with Queens
Park, Charlie Austin is actually averaging better than one goal for every two
appearances. This is even crazier Charlie Austin getting 90 minutes is rare
(which is not uncommon for striker, I know, but Austin’s minutes are even more
convoluted and oddball at times than normal strikerly starting burnout or late
match fill-in). Southampton was pushing the limits of European qualification
last season (and actually qualified the season before), and if the defense led
by TGVvD remains intact (a big if), all they really need to put them over that hump is more prolific scoring.
Despite Everton’s high profile moves, essentially trading Lukaku for Rooney is
a serious downgrade, and who the fuck knows if ManU will implode fully in
second season under dickhead Mourinho, so shit could really open up for the
Saints if everything breaks just right for them (another big if, especially
considering how fucked the football gods can be).
#21: Sadio
Mane – Young Senegalese striker who had been Southampton’s scoring threat
before he was cashed out to Liverpool for £34 million transfer fee – a record
at that point for African player in the Premier League. A lower-on-the-totem
club like Southampton is sort of forced to do such a thing, and generally how
good they remain is how well they re-stock with the abundance of funds they get
from such sales. The Saints have remained a solid club, but haven’t had someone
who can offensively destroy an opponent’s fire like Mane as of yet.
#22: Manolo
Gabbiadini – Gabbiadini also joined Southampton in January, along with
Austin, as they realized like everybody else, “Wow, our defense is tight but we
ain’t got shit up front.” Gabbiadini is considered one of Italy’s promising
young forwards, and actually just scored his first competitive international
goal last month against those wily bastards from Liechtenstein in World Cup
qualifier. The entirety of his experience before the past six months has been
in Italian football though, and he and Austin will be competing for forward
minutes this upcoming campaign. Hard to imagine Gabbiadini not playing the
clean-up 69th minute sub role while Austin holds down the majority of playing
time. But what do I know?
#23: Victor
Wanyama – Another guy with Celtic ties, and my favorite type of role in
football – the African defensive midfielder. Wanyama in fact was the Premier
League’s first ever Kenyan player when he joined the Saints from Celtic, and
has since moved on to Tottenham Hotspur, where he had a heavy workload of 47
appearances on last season’s club that contended for the EPL championship
longer than anyone else.
#24: Matt
Targett – Another homegrown youth academy kid, who plays from left back to
winger down the left side, but saw his appearances drop last season – his third
at professional level. With rumors of Ryan Bertrand (ahead of Targett on the
depth chart) moving to Chelsea, this could be the season Targett is thrown into
the EPL pool fully, to either sink or swim.
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#25: Graziano
Pelle – This is the last entry, so to be honest, I don’t feel like looking
shit up. But Graziano Pelle is one of the most beautiful and poetic names I’ve
come across while doing this, though added poetic factor may be added by
American public schooled rural south ass pronouncing foreign syllables the way
I think is right which is probably all sorts of wrong. But I’ve watched enough
lucha libre to know how to try and not sound like a hick asshole nor an NPR
commentator over-inflecting only certain words, so that I say “KA-RAH-KASS
Ven-i-zway-la”. But being my actual name is Raven and it has metaphysically
shaped me immensely into what I am now (a guy who likes to be naked in the
woods listening to the crows and carving poetry into rocks with flea market
machetes), I can only imagine Graziano Pelle is wonderful soul. (If he is not,
don’t @ me. You fuckers ruin everything magical about life. Everything.)
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