25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Newcastle United F.C.

[the ultimate Newcastle United supporter photo - when

drunken supporter punched a horse cop, ACAB even horses]

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

Filling in missing data, and Newcastle United was the highest placer from championship last year to get promotion, so had I kept my schedule they would’ve shown up beginning of December, and I probably would’ve spent two thousand words besmirching fucking Jonjo Shelvey.

#1: Matt Ritchie (previously #16 for Bournemouth on 15-May-2017)

#2: Jamaal Lascelles

#3: Jonjo Shelvey (previously #21 for Swansea City on 1-Feb-2017)

#4: Ciaran Clark

#5: Paul Dummett

#6: Ayoze Perez

#7: Karl Darlow

#8: Isaac Hayden (previously #24 for Hull City on 1-Mar-2017)

#9: DeAndre Yedlin (previously #19 for Sunderland on 15-Feb-2017)

#10: Christian Atsu

#11: Mohamed Diame

#12: Yoan Gouffran

#13: Jack Colback

#14: Dwight Gayle (previously #22 for Crystal Palace on 15-Mar-2017)

#15: Vurnon Anita

#16: Chancel Mbemba

#17: Rob Elliot

#18: Aleksandar Mitrovic

#19: Javier Manquillo (previously #23 for Sunderland on 15-Feb-2017)

#20: Joselu (previously #24 for Stoke City on 1-Jul-2017)

#21: Grant Hanley

#22: Mikel Merino

#23: Florian Lejeune

#24: Daryl Murphy

#25: Matz Sels