25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Chelsea F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

This would’ve been the listing for Chelsea, on September 1, 2018.

#1: CESAR AZPILICUETA (same as last time Chelsea was metaphysically ranked on 15-Sept-2017)

#2: N’GOLO KANTE (up from #6 last time; also previously ranked #23 still for Leicester City on 15-Feb-2018)

#3: MARCOS ALONSO MENDOZA (up from #10 last time)

#4: EDEN HAZARD (up from #5 last time)

#5: THIBAUT COURTOIS (down from #2 last time)

#6: ANTONIO RUDIGER (up from #24 last time)

#7: CESC FABREGAS (up from #11 last time)

#8: GARY CAHILL (down from #3 last time)

#9: VIKTOR MOSES

#10: WILLIAN (up from #12 last time)

#11: PEDRO (down from #8 last time)

#12: ANDREAS CHRISTIAN

#13: ALVARO MORATA

#14: TIEMOUE BAKAYOKO

#15: DAVID LUIZ (down from #7 last time)

#16: DAVIDE ZAPPACOSTA

#17: WILLY CALLABERO (previously ranked #17 for Manchester City on 15-Nov-2017)

#18: OLIVIER GIROUD (previously ranked #11 for Arsenal on 01-Oct-2017)

#19: DANNY DRINKWATER (previously ranked #16 for Leicester City on 15-Feb-2018)

#20: MICHY BATSHUAYI (down from #19 last time)

#21: DIEGO COSTA (down from #4 last time)

#22: NEMANJA MATIC (down from #9 last time; also previously ranked #4 for Manchester United on 15-Aug-2018)

#23: EMERSON PALMIERI

#24: ROSS BARKLEY (previously ranked #20 for Everton on 01-Aug-2018)

#25: JORGINHO