25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Tottenham Hotspur F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This is the Spurs y’all, which would’ve ran on October 15, 2018, if I had kept my shit tight like a Friday night cornrow.

#1: HARRY KANE (up from #7 last time Tottenham Hotspur were metaphysically ranked on 01-Nov-2017; also Mr. Kane’s FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: JAN VERTONGHEN (up from #6 last time)

#3: CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN (same as last time)

#4: ERIC DIER (down from #1 last time)

#5: DELE ALLI (down from #4 last time)

#6: HUGO LLORIS (down from #2 last time)

#7: SON HEUNG-MIN (up from #8 last time)

#8: DAVINSON SANCHEZ (up from #17 last time)

#9: BEN DAVIES (same as last time)

#10: KIERAN TRIPPIER (up from #13 last time)

#11: MOUSSA DEMBELE (same as last time)

#12: TOBY ALDERWEIRELD (down from #5 last time)

#13: MOUSSA SISSOKO (up from #14 last time)

#14: SERGE AURIER (up from #22 last time)

#15: VICTOR WANYAMA (down from #10 last time)

#16: DANNY ROSE (same as last time)

#17: HARRY WINKS (down from #15 last time)

#18: ERIK LAMELA (up from #19 last time)

#19: LUCAS MOURA

#20: MICHEL VORM (down from #18 last time)

#21: FERNANDO LLORENTE (up from #23 last time; also previously ranked #14 for Swansea City on 15-Jan-2018)

#22: JUAN FOYTH

#23: PAULO GAZZANIGA

#24: KYLE WALKER (down from #12 last time; also previously ranked #21 for Manchester City on 15-Nov-2017)

#25: KYLE WALKER-PETERS