25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Newcastle United F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This would’ve been Newcastle United on November 15, 2018. I hate Newcastle United so I would’ve talked a lot of shit, probably 3000 words on Jonjo Shelvey alone.

#1: MATT RITCHIE (same as last time Newcastle United was metaphysically ranked on 01-Dec-2017; also his SECOND METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: JAMAAL LASCELLES (same as last time)

#3: DEANDRE YEDLIN (up from #9 last time)

#4: AYOZE PEREZ (up from #6 last time)

#5: JONJO SHELVEY (down from #3 last time)

#6: MOHAMED DIAME (up from #11 last time)

#7: PAUL DUMMETT (down from #5 last time)

#8: CIARAN CLARK (down from #4 last time)

#9: MARTIN DUBRAVKA

#10: CHRISTIAN ATSU (same as last time)

#11: DWIGHT GAYLE (up from #14 last time)

#12: KENEDY (previously ranked #25 for Chelsea on 15-Sep-2017)

#13: KARL DARLOW (down from #7 last time)

#14: JOSELU (up from #20 last time)

#15: ISAAC HAYDEN (down from #8 last time)

#16: FLORIAN LEJEUNE (up from #23 last time)

#17: JAVIER MANQUILLO (up from #19 last time)

#18: JACOB MURPHY

#19: ROB ELLIOT (down from #17 last time)

#20: MIKEL MERINO (up from #22 last time)

#21: FEDERICO FERNANDEZ (previously ranked #4 for Swansea City on 15-Jan-2018)

#22: CHANCEL MBEMBA (down from #16 last time)

#23: YOAN GOUFFRAN (down from #12 last time)

#24: JACK COLBACK (down from #13 last time)

#25: VURNON ANITA (down from #15 last time)