25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Crystal Palace F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This would’ve been Crystal Palace’s rankings on January 1, 2019.

#1: ANDROS TOWNSEND (up from #3 last time Crystal Palace was metaphysically ranked on 01-Feb-2018, thus his FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: LUKA MILIVOJEVIC (up from #7 last time)

#3: WILFRED ZAHA (down from #1 last time)

#4: WAYNE HENNESSEY (same as last time)

#5: PATRICK VAN AANHOLT (up from #14 last time)

#6: JAMES MCARTHUR (up from #11 last time)

#7: JAMES TOMKINS (up from #8 last time)

#8: MAMADO SAKHO (up from #18 last time)

#9: AARON WAN-BISSAKA

#10: JEFFERY SCHLUPP (up from #13 last time)

#11: CHRISTIAN BENTEKE (down from #5 last time)

#12: YOHAN CABAYE (down from #6 last time)

#13: MARTIN KELLY (down from #9 last time)

#14: JOEL WARD (down from #2 last time)

#15: CHEIKHOU KOUYATE (down from #2 last time)

#16: MAX MEYER

#17: RUBEN LOFTUS-CREEK (same as last time)

#18: JASON PUNCHEON (down from #10 last time)

#19: TIMOTHY FOSU-MENSAH (down from #16 last time)

#20: SCOTT DANN (down from #12 last time)

#21: JORDAN AYEW (previously ranked #8 for Swansea City on 15-Jan-2018)

#22: ALEXANDER SORLOTH

#23: JULIAN SPERONI (down from #19 last time)

#24: VINCENTE GUAITA

#25: JAIRO RIEDEWALD (down from #24 last time)