25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Watford F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This would’ve been Watford (Elton John’s favorite club) on February 1, 2019.

#1: ABDOULAYE DOUCOURE (up from #2 last time Watford was metaphysically ranked on 01-Mar-2018; that means it’s my man’s FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: JOSE HOLEBAS (up from #4 last time)

#3: TROY DEENEY (same as last time)

#4: ETIENNE CAPOUE (up from #5 last time)

#5: ROBERTO PEREYRA (up from #15 last time)

#6: ADRIAN MARIAPPA (up from #12 last time)

#7: CRAIG CATHCART (up from #22 last time)

#8: CHRISTIAN KABASELE (same as last time)

#9: KIKO FEMENIA (up from #21 last time)

#10: DARYL JANMAAT (same as last time)

#11: WILL HUGHES

#12: BEN FOSTER (previously ranked #1 aka a METAPHYSICAL STAR for Burnley on 15-May-2018)

#13: GOMES (down from #1 last time)

#14: RICHARLISON (down from #9 last time)

#15: TOM CLEVERLEY (down from #7 last time)

#16: ANDRE GRAY (same as last time; also previously ranked #18 for Burnley on 15-Apr-2018)

#17: GERARD DEULOFEU (previously ranked #21 for Everton on 15-Aug-2017)

#18: SEBASTIAN PRODL (down from #6 last time)

#19: ISAAC SUCCESS

#20: ORESTIS KARNEZIS

#21: MIGUEL BRITOS (down from #11 last time)

#22: ANDRE CARRILLO (down from #13 last tie)

#23: KEN SEMA

#24: NATHANIEL CHALOBAH (previously ranked #23 for Chelsea on 15-Sep-2017)

#25: ADAM MASINA