25-Man Metaphysical Roster: West Ham United F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This is West Ham United, from March 1, 2019.

#1: ANGELO OGBONNA (up from #3 last time West Ham United was metaphysically ranked on 01-Apr-2018; thus his FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: DECLAN RICE (up from #22 last time)

#3: PABLO ZABALETA (up from #9 last time)

#4: MARK NOBLE (up from #5 last time)

#5: AARON CRESSWELL (down from #1 last time)

#6: ARTHUR MASUAKU (up from #11 last time)

#7: MARKO ARNAUTOVIC (up from #14 last time; also previously ranked #16 for Stoke City on 01-May-2018)

#8: ISSA DIOP

#9: MICHAIL ANTONIO (down from #8 last time)

#10: FELIPE ANDERSON

#11: LUKASZ FABIANSKI (previously ranked #1 for Swansea City on 15-Jan-2018)

#12: PEDRO OBIANG (down from #7 last time)

#13: ROBERT SNODGRASS (up from #21 last time)

#14: JAVIER HERNANDEZ (up from #17 last time)

#15: CHIEKHOU KOUYATE (down from #2 last time; also previously ranked #15 for Crystal Palace on 01-Jan-2019)

#16: ADRIAN (down from #10 last time)

#17: MANUEL LANZINI (down from #4 last time)

#18: FABIAN BALBUENA

#19: ANDY CARROLL (down from #16 last time)

#20: JOE HART (down from #15 last time)

#21: WINSTON REID (down from #6 last time)

#22: JAMES COLLINS (down from #13 last time)

#23: RYAN FREDERICKS (previously ranked #4 for Fulham on 01-Jul-2018)

#24: GRADY DIANGANA

#25: ANDRE AYEW (down from #12 last time)