25-Man Metaphysical Roster: Cardiff City F.C.

[25-Man Metaphysical Roster is a football dork methodology meant to establish a listing of players who have been most active for English Premier League teams in their past 100 non-friendly matches. Essentially, it is calculated by minutes played, but weighted towards most recent games. The end result is a listing of the 25 players in a team’s recent history who have had the largest hand on their metaphysical sporting trajectory. The English Premier League was chosen because it is the highest level of football played in an English speaking country, and I speak English. Also, it is what comes on TV here in the USA, where I fucking live. And yet still I should clarify I hate English, and also America. Thus maybe I hate myself. Should I not fail in maintaining my unpaid deadline, a new 25-Man Metaphysical Roster will appear on the 1st and 15th of every month.]

WORKING THROUGH A MISSED YEAR BECAUSE WE RE-LAUNCHING THIS BITCH ON JUNE 1ST, 2019!!! This would’ve been those bastards from Cardiff City getting metaphysically ranked on April 15, 2019. Haha, they got relegated.

#1: NEIL ETHERIDGE (up from #6 last time; thus his FIRST METAPHYSICAL STAR)

#2: BRUNO ECUELE MANGA (up from #7 last time)

#3: SEAN MORRISON (down from #1 last time)

#4: SOL BAMBA (down from #3 last time)

#5: JOE BENNETT (down from #4 last time)

#6: JUNIOR HOILETT (down from #2 last time)

#7: JOE RALLS (down from #5 last time)

#8: CALLUM PATERSON (up from #12 last time)

#9: ARON GUNNARSSON (up from #11 last time)

#10: LEE PELTIER (same as last time)

#11: VICTOR CAMARASA

#12: KENNETH ZOHORE (down from #8 last time)

#13: NATHANIEL MENDEZ-LAING (down from #9 last time)

#14: HARRY ARTER (previously ranked #22 for Bournemouth on 15-Feb-2019)

#15: JOSH MURPHY

#16: BOBBY REID

#17: LOIC DAMOUR (down from #13 last time)

#18: OUMAR NIASSE (previously ranked #22 for Everton on 01-Aug-2018)

#19: CRAIG BRYSON (down from #15 last time)

#20: MARKO GRUJIC (down from #16 last time)

#21: GREG CUNNINGHAM

#22: KADEEM HARRIS (down from #18 last time)

#23: DANNY WARD (up from #25 last time; also previously ranked #21 for Huddersfield Town on 01-Dec-2018)

#24: JAZZ RICHARDS (down from #14 last time)

#25: GARY MADINE